I am a master at procrastination and avoidance.
In fact I have not looked at this space for more than a brief moment
since my last post in October. I confess to allowing fear and denial crowd out my ability to come up with anything
of value in this space. All sorts of “valid” excuses fueled that
particular brand of crummy procrastination, manufactured in the bad
neighborhoods of the mind. It was fueled by the sort of excuses that kept me guiltily slinking past my computer even refusing to look at it for days.
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| Stop creating excuses! |
Let's face it when we need an
excuse, it is amazing how readily we can supply ourselves with something to
fill in the blanks. Any thing will work for an excuse when you are
avoiding something. That "anything" can also be backed up by
wholehearted and equally ridiculous evidence. I need a quiet house is one
of my favorite worn-out procrastination excuses. It is true enough that
our house is NEVER quiet. The only quiet that lives here is available for
the over-exhausted or the unlucky victim of some planned mischief by
resourceful boys behind closed doors. This excuse holds water right? I had myself convinced it did when in one of those abnormally quiet moments I discovered my
late grandmother's antique sewing case ransacked and all of the pins cut in
half with a pair of discarded wire cutters. "Of course I can't sit
down and make time to write! Look at what
happens when I am preoccupied with something else!" However, that
isn't what really poked at me under the blanket of my flimsy excuses as much as
the discovery that my ten-year old had more creative determination
to do what he loves than I did for my passion. While I was coming up with excuses about why I couldn't breathe
life into writing, he had found time and a way to stealthily work at his. In fact in under an hour he had not only ransacked the off-limits sewing case, but had
also managed to tear erasers off of his sister's pencils, cut somebody's shoe laces, steal off with a pack
of matches, and dismantle all of my coveted pens in order to construct killer
blow darts for warding off marauders and bedroom intruders. He was
determined to create something against all of the odds and under the threat of punishment and confiscation. Oh yes, excuses indeed! Mine were holding
less water by the second.
So as it goes when you are doing your
worst at avoiding something out of plain old cowardice, I had to come
up with other excuses. As always the bad neighborhoods of the mind
were more than willing to come up with a fresh round for me.
"You can't write. You just think you can. No one is
interested in what you have to say. Look at all of those creative, cute,
savvy blogs out there. Why is one more or one less blog in e-space going
to matter? You really don't have time to do this. You need a real
job. Nobody with a real job has time for that. You are too slow. Look how many unfinished writings you have. You are supposed
to be educating your children, not dabbling and messing around with pursuits of
your own." On and on and on it piled up. One big stinking,
smelly pile of crud my heart was all too willing to accept from the negative
spaces of my own mind.
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| We lock our dreams away with fear. |
This went on for a few
months until I considered myself completely cured of the "writing bug".
I brushed my hands of it and went about writing on the sly via my phone
and kindle in social network land. I wasn't interested in writing, but I
was doing it while I was telling myself I couldn't.
That nonsense had been put away again with sparkly snow-globes and
locked down for another moment in life when there might be more time and money
with less chaos. Then the gentle nudges from God began. Did you
ever catch those? Ironically enough I started to see that every excuse I
came up with, He was lovingly countering for me. No time to pursue a
passion you can use for good? Look at your son letting nothing get in the
way of his. No ability? I will use multiple people at random
moments and in various modes to tell you that you SHOULD be doing this.
You are already a writer. No money? Is that what you are
writing for, really? When was money ever your motivation for doing or not
doing anything? You shouldn't be selfishly pursuing your own interests as
a mother? Now, tell me how you go look your daughter in the eyes and tell
her to NEVER, EVER QUIT or belt out "Keep on dreaming even if it breaks
your heart," with your son who begs you to turn up the radio because
that is his favorite song. Excuses, indeed!
The truth is that I AM afraid.
I am afraid to write something meaningless. I am afraid to write
something that will be untrue or lead another astray. I am afraid of
being a hypocrite. I am afraid of trying and failing. I am afraid
of rejection. I am afraid to take that leap of faith and never let go of
my dreams because falling seems like such a long, long way down. I already know how awful it feels to leap only to feel the impact of crashing. I am afraid
writing makes everything inside of my exposed heart leak out all over the place.
It uncovers the depths of myself and makes me vulnerable. Writing is impossible for me to do without facing
all of my demons and fears. I have been packing and unpacking those for years. All of my excuses have been driven by one
vehicle braking and sliding across a treacherous road of black ice. Fear.
The absence of love and the seed of all of our failure to try, to love,
to sacrifice, to give it our very best no matter how many times we fall down or
need to get back up.
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| Toss your fears into the fire! |
We all have them. A big
stinking list of excuses as to why we can't or shouldn't or even won't do
something. Why we can't or won't change. Why we can't face that
fear. Why we shouldn't dream that particular dream. We can point
to our long histories of falling down and getting back up only to fall down
repeatedly. We can argue that it doesn't make any difference at all in
the world or ourselves. This is what Satan wants us to do. To feed
into the tiny seed of fear he places in the dark neighborhoods of our minds.
The more you visit those neighborhoods, the more you feed and water the
seeds he so cunningly sneaks in there. Before you know it, those tiny
whispers of fear have taken root and grown into monumental, life-choking weeds
that will consume your hope and steal your dreams. Don't give those seeds
room or time to grow in you, friends! As soon as you find them in
yourself, do not be afraid! Don't run from them or think that closing the
door on them will keep you from having to deal with them or face them. Do
what you must, boldly, and WITHOUT hesitation. Look at them inside of
yourself. Turn on the light and have one good, hard look at them. Be
brave enough pick them up without clutching them too tightly to your fragile heart.
Write your fears down on paper, or a ribbon, or shout them out to the
wind. Then let them go. Let them float away or get carried out to sea
with the tide. Toss them in a burning fire instead of dragging yourself or
anyone else through it. Just do NOT let those fears stay inside of you!
I am going to do something with my writing I should have done from the start. I am giving all of
it up to God. I am certain, based upon past failures and experiences,
that I can accomplish nothing on my own. I have failed so miserably in the past and fallen down so many times along the way that I know I need Him for every breath and second
of every day. I am going to listen to the nudges and the signs He has
lovingly placed on my path. How about you? What will you do?
Continue to visit those neighborhoods in your mind that are full of fears
and excuses? Or do you want to take them by storm with the courage of
light and love?
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Fly with the dreams God placed inside of your heart!
Original photo credit: Pixdaus.com |
These are the whispers He is filling
my heart and soul with. Change and fly! Do not be afraid. The
past does not matter and cannot define you unless you give it room to.
Let it go. Surrender it like I have been asking you to do.
Let me take over and fill all of the empty spaces and neighborhoods that
are left behind. Breathe deeply and let it go. Give me that space to
fill with new light and more love than you can possibly imagine. I am
sufficient for you. I will give you more than you dreamed would ever be
possible. My dreams for you are even greater than the ones you can ever
dream for yourself. Good-bye Fear! Hello Love!
Walk with God.
Shaunda Eck
